Am I a selfish wife?

So here’s a loaded question: how do you strike the right balance in marriage between expressing your needs and wants in life and taking into account what your spouse needs/wants? Are you always honest about those things, or do you not express your real feelings to “keep the peace.” I’m not talking about the little things, I’m talking about the major life decisions such as where does one live, send one’s children to school, work, etc.

This is a constant struggle with me. I tend to err on the side of (maybe a little to much) honesty. Often, I feel like I should express my real feelings because if I hide them it just builds up and becomes a bigger thing later. My husband tends to tell me more of what he thinks I want to hear, because I think he’s afraid of hurting my feelings in the moment. It’s not that I don’t worry about hurting his feelings, but to me it’s only fair to make important decisions based on what we really think, not what we want to think. But in a recent major life decision, I didn’t do my usual honesty.

I know this is super vague, but I don’t want to reveal too many of the details of our situation. In a nutshell, in the last year we have made several huge life decisions. And neither of us have been completely honest about our emotions and what we really wanted while we were making them. I was telling him what I thought he wanted to hear, and he was doing the same with me. Now we’re dealing with the aftermath of that. There are hurt feelings on both of our sides and we’re really trying to work through it.

But I’m wondering, how much should I really keep going on about my feelings? I want to be a supportive wife, and I think that constantly focusing on my own feelings (not always, but in this situation) gets in the way of that sometimes. However, I don’t want to end up the stereotype housewife who never expresses herself and then loses it someday. How can I strike the right balance? I know I need to “just get over it” to an extent, but how does one do that?

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